


Foolish Games

by ninjamonkey73



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Foolish Games, Songfic, jewel - Freeform, mention of Paris/Torres - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22283008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninjamonkey73/pseuds/ninjamonkey73
Summary: Unable to think clearly staring into his dark eyes, she closed her own, debating over what was safe to tell this man while she stood in his quarters.
Relationships: Janeway/Chakotay, mention of Paris/Torres
Kudos: 12





	Foolish Games

**Author's Note:**

> This is a song prompted story, using Jewel's [Foolish Games](https://youtu.be/UNoouLa7uxA) as inspiration.
> 
> Written circa 1997, when I thought songfic was the bomb.
> 
> [The standard disclaimers apply: Paramount owns the characters (or a rather close proximity) but they live in my imagination in between episodes. No infringement is intended; sometimes these things just happen...]

~~You took your coat off and stood in the rain

You were always crazy like that~~

The scene in Sandrine's was laid out as it often was in recent weeks. Tom was deftly pool-sharking some naive ensign out of a week's replicator rations while Harry sat watching, barely able to contain his knowing amusement. B'Elanna sat at Harry's table trying to look more absorbed in the warp drive report in her hands than the blond, blue-eyed lieutenant joking and laughing through an apparently effortless win. Kes sat with the doctor and some of the junior staff. The doctor looked uncomfortable, clearly only there at Kes' behest. Neelix flitted from table to table, acting every bit the morale officer (and gossip mill). Tuvok was, of course, conspicuously missing; he was undoubtedly alone in his quarters meditating.

Chakotay sat above it all on a barstool, happily soaking it all in. He never would have imagined back when their paths first irreversibly joined that the crew would get along so well, but this was the proof. With all the various places on the ship where they could congregate in smaller cliques, most chose Sandrine's. It was a unifying gesture not lost on their first officer. Taking another sip of his drink and tipping it toward B'Elanna in a long distance toast, he thought back to the days when his and Kathryn's lives had briefly been joined back on New Earth.

Although there had been nearly as much potential for an uncomfortable pairing on New Earth as there had been between Maquis and Starfleet crews, that too had gone better than Chakotay had ever dreamed possible. Not without its struggles and compromises, their life there had been richer and more comfortable than Chakotay cared to remember back within Voyager's cold, lonely walls. Once they had returned to the ship, Kathryn's "parameters" had proven difficult to live happily within. Too often he would think of some shining moment on their planet, now some 17 months distant.

_The rain shower had taken them by surprise that day. His first reaction had been to take cover under the large tree by the river, but when he saw her, arms outstretched toward the heavens, chin up, allowing the large, cool drops to lazily roll off of her, he reluctantly stepped out into the elements to join her._

_Surveying his dampening attire, Chakotay spoke. "You're a bad influence on me sometimes, you know? Now I'm wet."_

_Kathryn smiled broadly and winked at him. "You won't melt. Doesn't it feel wonderful, though? Real rain. Real *weather*. It's invigorating!"_

_"And wet."_

_She laughed and touched his sleeve affectionately, watching the droplets run off of his tattoo, over his furrowed brow. "For a man from a people so attuned to nature, you certainly can be stodgy."_

_"I prefer to appreciate nature from the warm and dry interior of our humble abode. We should probably get inside before our shoes are so wet we have to wear our Federation issue boots again." He began to turn toward home but stopped when she once again stretched out her arms and turned toward the river. Her dress had begun to hang heavily on her thin frame, no longer concealing her soft curves. Chakotay swallowed hard. "Kathryn.... Are you coming?"_

_The rain began to pick up. The new barrage of pelting drops was colder and more forceful. Reluctantly, she turned to head back with him. He was looking at her with such open longing on his face that she felt a flutter in her chest. A slight smile crossed her lips when their eyes locked._

_"Now you're wet," she laughed, and brushed some of the rain from his face with her thumbs, placing a quick kiss on his lips before breaking for home._

~~I watched from my window  
Always felt I was outside looking in on you~~

The captain entered the holodeck and looked around, establishing where each of her senior officers were. Few of the assembled crew were fooled by her "captainly" assessment. She was clearly seeking out Chakotay's presence in the dimly lit bar, but none dared point him out for her. Eventually, her eyes settled on him at the bar (lost in some happy daydream by the look of him). Once she had established his location, she took to milling around the various crew members making light conversation. She wore civilian clothes; it was a rare occurrence out among her crew, but she had decided to join them late in the evening and chose not to change back into her uniform.

Sensing her presence by the slight change in atmosphere, Chakotay came back from his reminiscing. For several minutes he merely watched her. He tried to make it look as if he were focusing on any number of other things but failed. Feeling his eyes on her, she turned and smiled. Chakotay once again raised his glass in a toast and rose to more closely observe the pool game, which now had B'Elanna giving Tom a run for his rations.

After a few moments, Janeway retreated to the solitude of Chakotay's former stool to quietly observe as he had. The cushion still held the imprint of him and she thought briefly about what sort of daydream might have prompted the utter contentment she had seen on his features when she arrived. `A question for another time,' she thought.

He was so open and relaxed with the crew. She envied that. And they didn't seem to respect him any less for it, yet she knew that he was also merely the first officer in their eyes; the captain's chair would probably corrupt that respect. She didn't dare risk such a dropping of protocol with them all. Protocol was often all she was left out in the Delta quadrant. A necessary distance. Lonely, but necessary. She had sought out this gathering of her crew to try to quell some of that loneliness but realized that watching Chakotay unwind among them was not helping. Taking a deep breath to fortify herself, she decided to loosen up a bit with them for a change.

~~You were always the mysterious one  
With dark eyes and careless hair~~

For the rest of the evening, Janeway and her senior officers joked and laughed around the pool table. After trouncing an extremely cocky Paris on her first try, she sat for awhile talking with B'Elanna, watching Chakotay and Harry play against each other, happy to stay in their own league of poor technique. Tom eventually settled himself down next to B'Elanna, trying to gain her favor. The others slowly trickled out. Before long, Janeway realized she, Tom, B'Elanna, and Chakotay were the last stragglers on the holodeck.

Tom rose. "Well, it's late. Captain..." He offered her his hand which she took and shook firmly. "Good game. Next time you won't be so lucky."

"I'll look forward to it, Lieutenant." Janeway placed her hands on her hips and nodded at him as if to punctuate her statement.

Paris turned to B'Elanna, extending his elbow to her. "May I see you home, ma'am?"

Color rose to her cheeks but B'Elanna fought off her irrational anger (arousal) at Tom's blatant courting behavior. "Why not." She rose and the two exited with a wave and shouted good nights.

Alone in Sandrine's, Kathryn watched Chakotay pretend to be intent on improving his pool game. In silhouette he struck quite a statuesque outline: strong, square shoulders, a broad chest, angular features, richly tan skin, flecks of gray scattered through his tightly cropped hair, deep brown eyes focused on the 11 ball and the side pocket. She thought of his face when she had entered the holodeck and ventured some conversation from which to ask her question.

"It's easier to line up the shot if you visualize the straight line through the 11 ball to the pocket, then try to hit the cue ball on the spot where the line exits the target ball." She came up behind him and put a hand on the cue. He allowed her to demonstrate, savoring the smell of her. His shot went flawlessly in.

"Much better isn't it than trying to do all the geometry in your head?" Kathryn smiled and tore her eyes from his gaze. "What were you thinking about when I got here? You looked so happy."

"New Earth.... And you," Chakotay ventured. The truth had always served him well. He had decided some time ago to remain up front with her about his feelings for her. This time it did not appear to pay off. He watched her squirm uncomfortably under his probing scrutiny and pour herself another drink. "Remember that rainstorm we got caught in?"

She softened a bit when she realized the fairly benign nature of his memory. She smiled, "How could I forget? You acted like you thought we'd never dry off."

"Well, it did take hours.... I miss those days, Kathryn."

~~You were fashionably sensitive  
But too cool to care~~

He used her name. When was the last time he had done that? Had it been all the way back on the planet? She couldn't remember anymore. She tried to rein in her emotions at the sound of his voice intoning her name, but didn't quite manage. Slightly flushed, she turned away from him. "It's best to forget about those weeks, Chakotay. They seem to cause you some pain along with the fond memories."

"Perhaps. I still wouldn't trade them for anything, regardless of what `parameters' fell into place once we returned," he said, a touch of bitterness creeping into the word `parameters'.

She winced. She had hurt him but knew that some actions, regardless of personal wishes, were necessary as a starship captain. Distancing herself from her first officer was one of them. It pained her to see the look in his eyes when he looked at her. Grieving silently for lost time and could-have-been's, keeping it to himself for her sake. At her unspoken request. She hastily threw the command facade back up into place.

"Well, Commander. Early meeting tomorrow at 0630. Sharp. I'll see you then." She beat a hasty retreat to the door.

"How do you do that? So detached, emotionless...."

She didn't wait for him to continue. Slipping guiltily from the holodeck, she made for her quarters, thinking about the depth of feeling in his eyes when he looked at her, how her heart sang when he spoke her name, the hurt she could hear in his voice before she left. Her damn need for `parameters' had wasted so much precious time. And in the bargain, had she become `detached, emotionless' or just necessarily lonely? His words echoed in her mind as she thought back to the relationship they had forged on New Earth. It had been simple, comfortable, _right_. She had no right to take it from him, from them. But she had. She had and would again if necessary. Still, his hurt was unbearably apparent so far from the planet where they had shared an entirely different life from the one on board ship.

Restless and unable to sleep, she threw on a robe and left her quarters for a walk. Before she realized what she had done, she had keyed the chime on Chakotay's quarters. For one panicked moment, she contemplated running for the safety of her quarters. What good would another confrontation do? She feared she would only hurt him again, but stayed anyway. The door hissed open and she remained in the hall.

~~Then you stood in my doorway with nothing to say  
Except some comment on the weather~~

"Captain, what brings you by at this hour?" Painfully formal. He managed to keep little trace of his true feelings in his voice.

Her rank again. Already, she missed her name on his lips. "I couldn't sleep and found myself here. Can I come in?"

"Certainly." Chakotay gestured her in and to the couch. "Tea?"

"No thank you." Her agitation was clear to him. She seemed in a great turmoil, yet he didn't know what she expected or needed from him. "Have you noticed any problems with the environmental controls? The hallway seemed a bit warm."

Chakotay smiled. `Sure, the hallway was warm and you just turned up at my door.' "Not a bit of trouble that I've noticed. But that isn't why you're here."

Kathryn crossed her arms defensively across her chest. For some reason, Chakotay's eyes seemed to be burning into her, making her feel incredibly exposed. "I shouldn't have come." She rose to leave but he reached for her elbow to stop her. "Chakotay...."

He circled around in front of her, his hand still on her elbow. Allowing a safe fraction of his feelings for her to reach his eyes, he said, "You know you can tell me anything. What brought you to my doorway so late tonight?

Unable to think clearly staring into his dark eyes, she closed her own, debating over what was safe to tell this man while she stood in his quarters. "I...... just.... found myself outside your door."

His heart skipped a beat. She was inexplicably drawn to him as well? How many nights had he found himself outside her quarters only to drag himself away to safety. Some of his control slipped and he stepped closer to her, the energy of his excitement filling the air between them. "Kathryn."

It was too hard not to look at him but she regretted meeting his eyes almost immediately. Before she could think a single rational thought, she closed the space between them, lost in his emotion-filled gaze. His arms shot around her, sealing their embrace. He breathed her name once more before he tentatively brushed her lips with his own. Suddenly overcome by her feelings for him, she dissolved into his arms and returned his kiss with a ferocity neither had expected. A frantic blur of searching hands and clumsily forced body contact, they stood in Chakotay's quarters, temporarily lost to the electricity between them.

The kiss relented only when the need for air became greater than their need for each other. With the new oxygen came some clarity of thought for Kathryn, and panic. She wrenched herself from him, heart slamming in her chest, lightheaded from the sudden intensity between them. It was all she'd wanted and all she feared in one terribly frightening moment. "I have to go. I'm sorry."

She managed a only a step before his hands caught her shoulders and drew her back to his chest. He inhaled deeply, his nose buried in her hair. As he exhaled, his breath swirling around her ear, his lips found the tender spot behind it. A soft moan escaped her before she could steel herself against it. Control had to be regained before things were beyond controlling. She tensed under his hands and attempted her strictest captain tone.

"Commander...."

~~In case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see  
This is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees~~

"No. Don't do it, Kathryn. Don't push me away again." He spun her around a little too forcefully, his fingers digging slightly into her stiff shoulders. Two tears were rolling down his face already. She couldn't bear to think that she had caused the pain so evident in his eyes. There was so much more being telegraphed by his eyes than she was ready for. A blush rose to her cheeks. She couldn't pull her eyes from his. So much primal need, animal desire, tender love, undying respect played in the dark depths of his stare.

"Please, Kathryn...." He leaned slowly toward her, a part of him expecting a slap, another part praying she'd stop fighting their attraction. He smiled. Her eyes were tightly shut, her face screwed up in a concentrated grimace. Beautiful. He let his lips slide gently over each of her eyelids, feeling the tension ease out of them as she leaned almost imperceptibly into his kiss.

~~These foolish games are tearing me apart~~

A sob suddenly racked Kathryn's small frame. No longer in control of any of her emotions, she let the tears fall, collapsing into Chakotay's startled embrace. Why had she wasted so much time without him? For months she had been struggling with intense loneliness, dreaming of being in his arms at night, torturing herself with visions of what she thought she could never allow. Still, she questioned what the repercussions of this night might be. Trying to reign in her emotions, she stood up a little straighter. Her head remained clutched to his broad chest. His heartbeat raced in her ear. "Chakotay, those parameters..."

~~Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart~~

He immediately tensed in her grip. Unsure of his actions up to this moment, he wondered what was left for him to do. If she could still talk about parameters while his heart was laid out for her, he would have to consider finding himself a new home on the next civilized planet they encountered. Barely a second had passed since she paused but it was suddenly far too long a span of time. He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her away from him. "Fine."

Her heart sank. Yet another mistake on her part causing him pain unbearable to watch. "No, Chakotay." She reached for his face and he winced at her initial touch, only softening when he saw the sadness in her eyes.

~~You're breaking my heart~~

Kathryn's eyes filled and a tear slipped past her destroyed defenses. She had caused the pain in his eyes, on his dark features. She had wasted months of their precious time. She had kept a safe distance from him when all she had wanted in her dreams was to be with him. The last of the wall between them crumbled as she spoke the rest of the sentence she had begun. "Those parameters need to be suspended. Immediately."

Eyes closing in relief, Chakotay inhaled sharply. Startled by the intensity of his reaction to her giving in, he struggled to keep some control over the passion rising in him. He ran a hand back through her hair, loosing the clip that clasped it behind her head. As her hair fell softly about her shoulders, she smiled at him, making his breath catch in his throat. Then she kissed him. Hard.

The turmoil in her heart had calmed. The turmoil in her head had even managed to become a different set of choices, without her conscious knowledge. What had been leave or stay became, in a short time, speak or let her actions speak for her. She decided she owed him the words. Breaking their roughly passionate embrace, she allowed her feelings for him to fully sink in, soaking in all the little details of his features. She playfully ran a finger over his tattoo, brushing light kisses across his lips, cheeks, nose, jaw.

"I love you, Chakotay."

Grabbing her waist with sudden force, he swung her around in his tight embrace, his head thrown back in relief. When his eyes came back to settle on hers, he scooped her up and moved them quickly to his bed, no longer able to slow his aching need for her. Laying her carefully down on the bed, showering her with frantic kisses, bumbling with the catches on her outfit, he breathed, "I have always loved you, Kathryn."


End file.
